Long Farewells Ne’er Were Necessary…

Freelance writing is a fickle means of making coin: you’re often better off climbing trees boxing squirrels for their nut hordes. “You ain’t gonna be workin’ heah no mo’” is the phrase I hear most often as a writer-for-hire. “We totally mailed you that cheque” is the second.

So, I’ve learned to roll with bad news. I heave to my swollen feet, put on my hat, gather my tattered overcoat around me, and shuffle off into the snowy night to find someone else to fill my tin plate with bread and baked beans. No regrets, no hard feelings. The fact that I know an ancient curse that afflicts editors’ virgin daughters with pig lice is entirely coincidental.

But in all honesty—and I am being honest—the news about 61 FPS’ shutdown hit me hard, and I’m still feeling pangs of sadness. I’m very fond of the team: Constantine is an A-1 editor who has never failed to provide support, suggestions and manly advice.

What happens next? You’ll see me skulking around the Internet, singing for my supper. Mackey and I both contribute to 1UP’s features section and the Retronauts blog, and I imagine that will continue to be so.

I’m also thinking of pulling back a little and letting more variety into my life through animal writing. I wrote a lot of pet-related columns in the past, and I enjoyed it. See, I totally have mastery over animals, as is evident through the tortoiseshell cat on my lap who is ignoring every order to get down.

Constantine already lay down threats of 61 FPS sticking around in some capacity. Take that to bed with you, and sweet dreams. For now, I won’t say goodbye. Let’s just say:

Thank you for playing! !

Licensing Tragedies: The Brazilian Mega Man Comic

The other day, I looked at Dreamwave’s halfhearted attempt to bring a Mega Man comic to a deserving world. Though the comic was indeed impotent, it wasn’t necessarily bad; it simply filled up shelf space and delivered an all-inclusive story that was never in danger of engaging or exciting anyone.

But that wasn’t Mega Man’s only foray into a non-Japanese comic. Brazil published a Mega Man comic as well. The Brazilian Mega Man comic was, as the kids say, batshit insane.

I’ve never met any of the staff at Capcom’s licensing department, but I have a mental picture of how this particular proposal went down. Some key member was sprawled on the couch like Homer Simpson, heavy-lidded in front of the television, gut dusted with chip crumbs. A hopeful Brazilian artist timidly approached the bloated figure and asked, “Capcom, can I–” and Capcom dismissively mumbled “Yeah, yeah.”

It’s likely Capcom still scrambles to hide ”That comic” from Keiji Inafune—unless someone on staff thought up a good defence for Roll’s origin in the comic, which involved a child sex slave ring.

Continue reading »

WTFriday: Christian Bale Wants You To Eat Pac-Man Cereal

I’m sure Christian Bale is thrilled that his screamy Terminator Salvation video has fallen out of vogue in favour of a new video: footage from a Pac-Man cereal jingle, one of his earliest commercials.

The user who uploaded the video wrote, “You can obviously tell which kid is Bale.” Hint: there are also two girls and a black boy. Try to pick out Bale. It’s tricky!

I have to admit something to the world. I loved the Pac-Man cereal. In the ’80s, breakfast cereals made no attempt whatsoever to be healthy, but instead concentrated all of their powers into deliciousness. Everything was corn, sugar, and marshmallows. The second milk touched our morning bowl of golden crispiness, everything melted down into a corn syrupy sludge. The Soggies that plagued Captain Crunch weren’t just an over-exaggerated cartoon goonie drawn up by some imaginative artist: every ’80s child had made their goopy acquaintance every morning.

And then we got fat.

Except for Christian Bale, obviously. He’s waiting to tell you all about new Ms Pac-Man marshmallows after the jump.

Continue reading »

Licensing Tragedies: The Mega Man Comic

I don’t know if I can properly call Dreamwave’s Mega Man comic a “Licensing Tragedy.” It’s more like a licensing misfire accompanied by wasted potential. Either way, its mediocrity made my soul sad.

The Mega Man comic had four issues published through 2003 and 2004. It was illustrated by Mic Fong for its first three issues before duties were passed on to Patrick Spaziante (“Spaz,” who has illustrated the covers for the Sonic the Hedgehog comic series for many years). The art was passable, though Mic Fong’s character designs rarely ventured far beyond Anime Cliches 101 (when humans blush, the blood doesn’t elevate above their skin. It just doesn’t). The comic’s writing, however, was a flat tire. Brian Augustyn was the series’ chosen scribe. Augustyn’s work can still be found in non-offensive Ninja Turtle storybooks sold at supermarket check-outs. Now you have a good idea of the safe, oatmeal-flavoured plot that was dished up for gaming’s favourite robot.

Continue reading »

Is the Wii Stagnating Next to the DS?

When I was young, I received a curious dual-screen Game and Watch knockoff for Christmas. It was a vertical platforming game set on a pirate ship. Conditions for victory involved the finding and collecting of treasure: if the player slipped up and the pirate fell into the water, sharks would strip off the scurvy dog’s clothes. This particular death animation included a glimpse of the dead pirate’s cartoon testicles, bristling with stubble.

When Nintendo first revealed the DS, all I could think about was a naked pirate being eaten by sharks. I was not enthusiastic about the future of handheld gaming.

History proved me wrong. Once developers stopped feeling obligated to turn every game into Pointless Adventures in Stylus Scribbling (thanks for raising my blood pressure forever, Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow), we received our Elite Beat Agents and our Hotel Dusk and other gems that went above and beyond the call of Fun thanks to clever implementation of the Nintendo DS’ stylus.

When Nintendo announced the DSi, people scoffed at the built-in camera. It looks like the DSi’s little cyclops eye might already have a place in gameplay, though: A Different Game in Sweden has begun an “augmented” version of Ghostwire, an acclaimed cellphone game that lets players use their built-in cameras to find and talk to “ghosts.” By communicating with the dead and solving their riddles, you can bring them peace.

This could be the first of many original games to make use of the DSi’s hardware. It’s an exciting prospect, but it’s also made me wonder why the DS and DSi have successfully inspired developers, while innovation on the Wii remains stagnant.

Continue reading »

Luigi Dabbles in Final Fantasy

Last weekend was quite anime-heavy, thanks to the Anime North convention in Toronto and Anime Boston in, well, Boston. With anime comes gaming: the two are often paired, like the male and female entities who spawn the world in ancient myths.

I believe cosplay related to anime and gaming is one of those hobbies that people mock even as they secretly admire the work that goes into some ensembles. Conventions are best inhaled in small doses, but they provide a few hours of sheer fun. People let their inhibitions go, and it’s hard to resist the orgy of colour, sound and spiky hairdos.

Sometimes, fandoms combine and produce rare and wonderful things. My friend Jack attended Anime Boston and recorded evidence of a strange hybrid: a Luigi cosplayer strumming a harp. When asked to perform, Luigi rose to the occasion and produced the famous Prelude from the Final Fantasy series.

Would the real Luigi have the guts to sit in a crowded hallway and strum like Apollo? Doubtful.

Video after the jump.

Continue reading »

Freaktastic Fanart: Earthbound Soda Shoes

I come across a lot of great Mother/Earthbound fanart. That might be because the Earthbound fanbase is gaming’s most insanely dedicated pack of Mr Saturns. Just a thought.

This time, we have an Earthbound-related piece that’s born under unusual circumstances, not to mention on an unusual canvas. Jones Soda is running a shoe-designing contest, and the winning design will feature on 40,000 bottles o’ pop. Sarah Miles entered a pair of completely amazing Earthbound shoes. Now you can walk all over Porky, that fat bastard!

A larger picture lies beyond the jump. Want to vote for “PK Shoestorm?” (Yes you do.) Visit Jones’ voting page.

Continue reading »

Samus Aran: Heroine or Space Harlot?

Today, the world received lovely news: all three installments of the Metroid Prime series will be collected on one Wii disc. Opinions are mixed about Metroid Prime 2 and 3, but the Gamecube’s most vocal critics shrank back from Metroid Prime like a vampire withering away from a crucifix.

As can be expected, the news of a Metroid-rich future has sparked a lot of conversation about the series’ heroine: Samus Aran. Samus is easily gaming’s most admired female character, well-liked for her steady footing, perseverance, and sense of duty. But her self-discipline doesn’t wash away her humanity, a point illustrated throughly by the climactic fight with Mother Brain at the end of Super Metroid.

Moreover, Samus retains respect for being selectively modest. If you put forth your very best performance in a Metroid game, you might catch a glimpse of the bounty hunter out-of-suit. If you slack, well, enjoy fantasizing about a big tin suit.

It’s easy to mark Metroid’s famous endings as mere fanservice, but when Samus unveils, you’re not just being rewarded with a big ol’ slice of cheesecake: you’re earning a (figuratively) naked glimpse at one of gaming’s most reserved heroes. This revelation was especially important in the 8-bit era. It wasn’t just a shock to find out that Samus was a girl: discovering that there was a happily-waving human at the core of that bulky robot suit was pretty thrilling, too. It was one of console gaming’s earliest and most important twists of character.

Now that Samus’ popularity has finally gained momentum, some gamers wonder if her appeal as character is being drained in favour of bigger slices of the aforementioned cheesecake. Samus has long avoided being made up like the same brand of gaming tart that’s available for ten cents a dozen these days, but there’s worry that might be changing.

Continue reading »

The Evolution of Radd Spencer, Sort Of

If, like me, you’re sitting and waiting ever so patiently for Mr Constantine’s review of the new Bionic Commando, you might do well to just relax for now over a cup of tea. You should also take the time to go over The Albatross on Parade, a Bionic Commando art gallery put together by Press The Buttons.

Like many 8-bit heroes, Radd Spencer was born under a colour palette restriction, meaning Capcom had gave him a few very strong defining traits instead of a whack of lesser design choices. Radd has sunglasses, and a green jumpsuit. His flaming red hair would make Little Orphan Annie grovel like a beta dog. He has a steel arm that can shoot out and grab things. There’s nothing very complicated about his looks, but as The Albatross on Parade proves, America, Europe, and even Japan had a hard time settling on Radd’s looks, especially as far as advertising was concerned.

Continue reading »

What’s In My MP3 Player: Safe and Sound from Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children

I was all set to ignore everything about Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children Complete,but fate intervened. I ran across the new ending theme, “Safe and Sound,” which was composed by J-Rocker Kyosuke Himuro and My Chemical Romance frontman, Gerard Way. I rather like it. “Safe and Sound” is kind of cheesy, but energetic with a very catchy, if not shallow, hook. The guitar riff at the end is more than a little inspired by U2’s “Where The Streets Have No Name,” but overall, it’s perfect summer listening.

It’s also an effective brew against fourteen-year-old girls. One part Final Fantasy VII and one part My Chemical Romance: it’s more than enough to make them explode with glee upon contact.

Ah, but I am 28 and I’ve done my bit for the MCR Defence League. Gerard Way is largely considered a class C arm-cutter, but think about the circumstances behind the very existence of “Safe and Sound.” Here we have a well-known rock musician who’s teamed up with a famous Japanese rocker to compose a Final Fantasy song that’s not a ballad to Sephiroth. Gerard Way loves comic books (he wrote and did the concept art for “The Umbrella Academy,” an Eisner award-winning series), video games, and Transformers. He isn’t emo. He’s merely a nerd. And he gives us good nerd music. I don’t ask for much else.

Listen for yourself after the jump.

Continue reading »