WTFriday: Christian Bale Wants You To Eat Pac-Man Cereal

I’m sure Christian Bale is thrilled that his screamy Terminator Salvation video has fallen out of vogue in favour of a new video: footage from a Pac-Man cereal jingle, one of his earliest commercials.

The user who uploaded the video wrote, “You can obviously tell which kid is Bale.” Hint: there are also two girls and a black boy. Try to pick out Bale. It’s tricky!

I have to admit something to the world. I loved the Pac-Man cereal. In the ’80s, breakfast cereals made no attempt whatsoever to be healthy, but instead concentrated all of their powers into deliciousness. Everything was corn, sugar, and marshmallows. The second milk touched our morning bowl of golden crispiness, everything melted down into a corn syrupy sludge. The Soggies that plagued Captain Crunch weren’t just an over-exaggerated cartoon goonie drawn up by some imaginative artist: every ’80s child had made their goopy acquaintance every morning.

And then we got fat.

Except for Christian Bale, obviously. He’s waiting to tell you all about new Ms Pac-Man marshmallows after the jump.

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Summer Backlog Gaming

If you’re a college boy like me–though I hope to God you haven’t been a college boy as long as I have–then you know summer is the time when you go out and get a dehumanizing job and forget all of the information you paid thousands of dollars to learn during the previous months. Since the world has made it clear by this point that it doesn’t want me to have a job (mostly through silence), I’ve decided to spend the entirety of the next three months inside my apartment with the money and games I’ve been hoarding throughout the year, only emerging at night to feed on the living. That last thing is mainly for when I get bored.

So allow me to give you a tour of what’s on my agenda for the Summer of 2009. Be aware that you will be asked to share your own backlogs, and that there will also be a brief intermission with free orange drink, time permitting.

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GameSpite Quarterly: Keeping Print on Life Support

Print’s had a rough couple of years–at least the [games journalism/enthusiast press/whatever the hell you want to call it] side of print. Since EGM capsized in January, there hasn’t been much light at the end of the tunnel, especially for folks who grew up with gaming magazines and planned on writing about video games for a living one day. Even on the online side of things, positions are drying up, wages are going down, and soon bloggers like me will have no choice but to be paid with promotional DVDs and key chains. And until grocery stores start taking such items in exchange for food products, giving up on the games writing gig is starting to sound more and more sensible.

But if there is hope, it lies with GameSpite Quarterly.

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Watch the Evolution of Little Mac’s Foes

Now that Punch-Out’s been available for a few days,  most of you have already spent hours upon hours [Please add your own joke about beating up ethnic stereotypes here. I think all of them have been made.]. And if you’re old enough, it’s likely you’re currently suffering from pangs of late 80’s nostalgia and the desire to put on a day-glo t-shirt and acid wash jeans; after all, Punch-Out’s main goal is to uppercut you right in the childhood (which is far less dirty than it sounds).

But how accurate are your crusty, old memories? Could this new installment in Nintendo’s boxing game possibly be less faithful as everyone claims? If you have such questions, I recommend you turn to the following video, created by 1UP user doublespy, which features side-by-side video comparisons of Little Mac’s pug-ugly opponents. Super Macho Man is holding up pretty good for someone who must be in his late 90s.

Video after the cut.

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Boldly Go to 1UP’s Star Trek Retrospective

I’ve recently undergone the painful task of replaying many terrible old licensed games for 1UP’s Retro Blog, and I can tell you that it’s probably taken years off my life. It’s a tough job, but somebody’s gotta revisit the games that existed before the Internet gave us a chance to properly bitch about them. Had cyberspace shown up a decade earlier, I’m sure that getting to the second level of Bart Vs. the Space Mutants would inspire me to write a lengthy, snarky blog post that only my mom would read. So, as you can see, things aren’t too different today.

Recently, the staff of 1UP decided to take their own retrospective route by looking at the numerous Star Trek games released over the years; and, unsurprisingly, most of these Trek titles have all the appeal of a dead Tribble.
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Gaming For Two: The N64 Acquisition

This “Gaming for Two” story is not about my husband and I. It is instead about my older brother accompanying me on my trip to purchase the Nintendo 64. I assure you there are no romantic overtones between us, though we once went to a pub for some drinks and the waitress thought we were dating. It was creepy.

Modern console launches are defined by lengthy lines and steel bladders. Gamers huddle outside of stores like penguins, shielding one another from the bitter winds and the endless night. But no matter how slowly time seems to crawl, the Earth never ceases its rotation, and the time arrives at last. Merchants sling out systems like fish, we clap and cheer in response, and the morning light scatters our temporary alliance as we waddle back to our warm living rooms and enjoy our spoils.

The Nintendo 64 was the first and last game system I bought before queue culture became a part of the pastime. It was the first system I bought entirely with my own money, and it was the first system I was old enough to collect by myself, on my own terms, on launch day.

Except my parents insisted I at least bring my older brother. I did.

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The Problem With The Simpsons’ Games

I’ve been reading and enjoying Mackey’s ongoing retrospective of the mostly-atrocious retro games based on The Simpsons. Though the titles have existed throughout time, Bart’s rude antics really flooded home consoles and the PC in the late ’80s and early ’90s.

I’ve been pondering specific reasons why the older Simpsons games are so ill-bred. For ages, I figured it was a two-part problem: one, developers probably threw darts at a board to come up with concepts, and generally missed hitting any idea that might have made for a fun game. Two, The Simpsons has been a red-hot property since the day it was born, and there was an early rush to capitalise on the dysfunctional family.

I don’t think I’m far off the mark, since both shortcomings stem from a common root: in the early ’90s, it was still unclear what exactly made
The Simpsons so funny.

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Pokemon HeartGold and SoulSilver: Take Me Back to Johto

I’m not yet sure how I feel about the re-release of Pokemon Silver and Gold for the DS. I mean, I’ll be totally honest with you, here—I want a Lugia. And I don’t think I’ll have any moral objections about kneecapping kids to be first in line.

At first, I was kind of grossed out that Nintendo would be re-releasing the games “so soon,” even though both are getting significant revamps. Then I read that “HeartGold” and “SoulSilver” will also serve as tributes to the ten-year-old games. My God. My God. Just how old am I?

In my heart(Gold), I know all my angst and denial is moot. Pokemon Gold and Silver are two games that are more than worthy of modern updates. Their depth is astounding, for Game Boy games. I remember being blown away by the very concept of time-based gameplay, which let you search for and capture nocturnal Pokemon.

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Birthday Gaming Memories

Today is my birthday–my 27th birthday. As you can probably guess, this makes me officially old; I already show contempt for those just a few years younger than me, and just yesterday I caught myself wearing the unholy match of socks and sandals–clearly, these are terrible signs of things to come.

Normally, the significance of today wouldn’t be worth mentioning on 61 FPS, but as a devoted, daily blogger it’s my job to mine as much personal information as I can for precious, precious content. And while it isn’t your job to read said content, do you really want to shatter my fragile ego?

I didn’t think so.

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Freaktastic Fanart: 8-Bit Fatalities

Video games have always been about the chase, the hunt, domination over a competitor, or a foe. You can call Pong a simple game of electronic ping-pong, but I call it a volley of canon fire meant to tear down and destroy my enemies. Put something in there about the lamentations of said enemy’s women.

Game fanartist Steven Leftcourt understands that killing and conquering have always been at the core of our games. A Goomba’s brains may not squoosh out of its pinhole-sized ear when Mario jumps on it, but there is still a life ended, snuffed out by the soles of Mario’s plumber boots.

Leftcourt’s “8-bit Fatalities” depicts the gory reality of our game heroes’ dirty work:

“Before Mortal Kombat, violence in video games was largely unheard of or ignored because of its extreme pixelized simplicity.

“Just because you didn’t see Pac-man violently tearing into the ghosts with his jaws, or Mario smashing in the brains of a goomba, that’s what I knew was happening.”

Leftcourt’s pics reveal his vivid imagination. I know a kid who probably ended up talking to a smiling therapist in a cool, pastel-coloured office. Awesome.

Click the jump for an oozing sample of Leftcourt’s work.

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